Hopelessness

definition: having no expectation of good or success, despair, feeling hopeless and alone.

Suicide is selfish for only thinking of self, it focuses on the past. Highlights the mistakes made. The regrets. The what ifs of life. Compares ours now with others around us. It makes us think it’s the easy way out. It's the way we try to put an end to a life lived in agony, despair, shame, and guilt. It plays with our minds and makes them seem that is the only way. The pain we carry is so heavy, it has taken our will to live. We are tired of trying. Over and over we enter the hamster wheel to end up in the same place. How do we get here? We ask, over and over. We rationalize the lies we had believed. “It will be better without me, one less problem for the family. Life for them will be better if I am out of the way”. Those were the words I heard that night, as I looked into the mirror and I saw death looking right back at me. Whispering to take the blade and cut my veins. Shame had robbed me, addiction had me bound. I didn't have the strength. I had tried to stop many times. Moved away, but in reality, all I had done was changed my zip code. Little did I know, I was full of hurt, abandonment, and unforgiveness. That night I was saved by my daughter knocking down the door from the bathroom. I do remember taking the blade and going directly to my veins, but I don't remember anything else. To find out years later, The Lord had an angel holding my hand. I was selfish. I was just thinking of myself. I was hopeless. I was lost. This is the 1st time I share this deep personal experience hope it helps someone else. You are not alone. You have a community to help you just reach out. In your agony cry out for HELP to the one that could hear you and heal you. “In my distress, I called to the Lord, and He answered me. From the depths of my grave, I called for help and you listened to my cry”. Jonah 2:2 🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏 Ivette 6/19/23